Dumbass Strangers

I was going to a friend's art opening at a local college in Brooklyn. I was stopped by the security guard and asked where I was going. I said "A friend of mine is having a photography exhibition." And he replied "An exhibition who?" I said "You know photography, have you ever heard of it, NO?" He said "No!"

Thank you Creepy Strangers

Thank you to all of the Creepy Strangers out there for voting for Barack Obama President!

I saw Jesus

Life is Dangerous

"Life is Dangerous." These are the words of my Stromboli maker, Jack.

I pointed at the spinach stromboli and asked "is this the spinach calzone?" He looked at me and his expression said, "yeah why you want it?" but he said nothing. I asked "how much" to which he smiled and said it's $5.95 but for you it's $4.50 the rest goes as follows:

Stromboli Jack: Where are you from?
Me: New Jersey
Stromboli Jack: Where are your parents from?
Me: New Jersey
Stromboli Jack: Where did you go to college?
Me: Philadelphia

At this point I start to think okay enough truthful answers about me, turn the attention to him while he heats up my stromboli.

Me: Where are you from?
Stromboli Jack: New Jersey
Me: Where are your parents from?
Stromboli Jack: Milano, Have you been there?
Me: Yes, once.

As he packed up my lunch he leaned in toward me and mumbled something about college, law school and failing a bar exam. It was difficult to hear. The rest of what he said turned a little strange.

Stromboli Jack: Life is Dangerous
Me: No response
Stromboli Jack: You have to be careful, you hear me, this city is dangerous. Five years ago as I was coming out of a nigthclub a man came up to be from behind and broke my jaw. I spent five months in the hospital. He stole from me $15. You believe that for fifteen dollars?
Me: Oh, I'm sorry. That must have been terrible.
Stromboli Jack: Life is Dangerous. You have to be careful, you hear me, this city is dangerous, life is dangerous.

He hands me my stromboli and smiles and says "Have a nice weekend."
Me: Have a nice weekend! Thanks.

Then There Was This Guy

There Might Be a Monster on Your Back, But Don't Worry, You'll Never Know

8:15am semi-crowded M Train, Union Street

Who even knows where the M train starts and ends, I'm not sure. I do know it will stop at Dekalb where I can take another train to another train and so on. When the shiny new clean train arrives at my station I hop on it. It's fairly quiet.

About halfway down there is woman standing arm raised on the rail above. Clinging below her arm is a large flapping MOTH! She has no idea. She continues to hang her face close to the bug to talk to her son who is seated below her.

The other riders see it. They say nothing.

A few moments later the train stops. She exits the train with the giant moth hitching a ride on her shoulder like a miniature parrot. She may never know.

The Empty Seat on the Subway is Going To Cost You

7:35am Crowded Manhattan bound F Train, 4th Avenue Park Slope

It's a crowded platform morning and I enter the train and spot an empty seat. The empty seat is situated between an overweight middle-aged woman and a man. The woman is slightly spilling into the empty seat. I make an instant evaluation to determine if being crushed is worth the rest. As my jeans touch the seat I see why this seat is empty but it's too late. I stuff myself, sweatshirt and purse, into the small space.

Sprawled out adjacent to the large lady is another woman. She's about 40 years old and white. She's dressed like she is going to a job interview at a nail salon in Sarasota, Florida. Sweatier than a yogi in a Bikram class, she is fanning herself with the morning paper.

I'm less than a minute into my ride and things get worse. Slumping over slightly, she spreads her floral skirted legs. Violently shaking the newspaper now she looks as if she is giving birth. I look at the face of the strap-hangers across the train but they just look back at me for my response. I look back at her. She doesn't look pregnant. Sweat is pouring down her face. And I think, IS SHE GOING TO HURL?

My brain begins to reel. Do I offer help? Any compassionate person would. Should I alert a train crew-member? Call 911? an ambulance? Scream-out "ANYONE A DOCTOR?"

I look at the face of the strap-hangers across the train once again, but they just look back at me for my response. I look back at her.

And then it occurs to me, she might be sick, in the head. I look over at her again, this time trying to evaluate with a more compassionate look. Her eyes roll towards the back of her head. She looks as is she is going to faint. Just then she lets out an orgasmic sigh, "OOOOOOHHH!" then silence... followed by a whisper, "oh that was intense."

You're telling me! I look at the face of the strap-hangers across the train once again, but they just look back at me for my response. I look back at her.

She stands up a new person. Free of the demon that possessed her, renewed. Wiping the sweat from her forehead she takes a deep breathe.

I look at the face of the strap-hangers across the train once again, but they just look back at me for my response. I look back at her.

The train stops. She walks off the train as normal as can be, as if nothing every happened.

I look at the face of the strap-hangers across the train once again, but they just look back at me for my response. I look back expressionless.